This is a guest article by U.S. consultant Bob Burg, reprinted with his permission. 

Networking isn't a contest to see who can hand out the most business cards. Great networkers know that leaving self-interest at the door is the key to cultivating relationships — and referrals. 

Opportunities to meet people arise constantly: at local business events, your church or synagogue, charity functions, and myriad other places. And, while certainly not everyone you meet is a qualified — or even interested — prospect, many of them know lots of others who just might be. After all, it's been documented that most people know about 250 other people. Therefore, every time you develop a strong relationship with one new person, you've potentially increased your personal sphere of influence by 250 people. But how do you build those referral relationships in a way that is professional, non-intimidating (to you as well as others), and effective?

Where many advisors go awry

I want to share the following premise with you, and ask you to take it very seriously. This is the cornerstone on which superstar advisors build their practices: 

"All things being equal, people will do business with, and refer business to, those advisors they know, like, and trust." 

That's it, plain and simple. Successful networking, therefore, promotes relationships in which you are known, liked, and trusted, and which naturally lead to the development of a strong referral base. 

Unfortunately, many advisors misunderstand the term "networking." Since the term is so misunderstood by so many people, allow me to provide you with a definition that will put it in the correct perspective. 

Networking is simply "the cultivating of mutually beneficial, give-and-take, win-win relationships" — as opposed to the stereotypical slick-talker who aggressively shakes hands and distributes business cards to everyone with whom he crosses paths. When practiced consistently and correctly, with the needs, wants, and desires of the other person in mind, networking can dramatically increase your referral business in a way that will astound you. 

In his book Networking for Life , Thomas Power writes, "The energy in networks arises from a willing suspension of self-interest." I love that sentence because it absolutely encapsulates the one trait common to those I call "superstar networkers." These people constantly ask themselves how they can add to the life/business of the other person, as opposed to what they can get from them. 

Of course, they still expect to prosper — in fact, they know they'll prosper in a huge way. But they are not emotionally attached to having to reap the rewards then and there, or even directly from that person. Thus, they can fully focus on the "giving" part of being a successful networker. They know that the more they give, the more they'll eventually receive. Yes, it really does work that way.

The key to compelling conversations

So, what does this all mean in practical terms? Let's say you are meeting someone for the first time. Many advisors, like most people, feel they need to do most of the talking when they're "networking." In other words, they have to promote their practice, which means showing how intelligent and successful they are, and maybe even asking pointed, personal questions about the person's financial situation in order to discover needs. But what this typically accomplishes, more than anything, is to make the other person nervous and defensive. 

Instead, let the conversation happen naturally, and in such a way that the prospect (or, most likely, new referral source, since not everyone you meet is a direct prospect) enjoys the conversation as much as, if not more than, you do. 

How? Ask questions. But not just any questions. And definitely not prospecting questions. 

Instead, use "Feel-Good" questions. Feel-good questions are designed to put the person with whom you are speaking at ease and begin the rapport-building process. These questions will make the other person feel warm and fuzzy about themselves, about the conversation, and about you. 

That is key, because remember, "All things being equal, people will do business with, and refer business to, those advisors they know, like, and trust." Feel-good questions are the first step toward accomplishing that goal. And they don't come off as invasive or intrusive.

What to ask

I have 10 feel-good questions in my arsenal, plus one key "must-ask" question. Before I share these, please know that you'll never ask all 10 in any one conversation — typically, you should ask no more than two or three. Which ones you choose depends upon the context and the person to whom you are speaking. 

Here are my 10 feel-good questions: 

1.    How did you get your start in the "widget" business? 

2.    What do you enjoy most about what you do? 

3.    What separates your company from your competition? 

4.    What advice would you give someone just starting in the widget (his or her) business? 

5.    What one thing would you do with your business if you knew you couldn't fail? 

6.    What significant changes have you seen take place in your profession through the years? 

7.    What do you see as the coming trends in the widget business? 

8.    Describe the strangest (or funniest) incident you've ever experienced in your business. 

9.    What strategies have you found to be the most effective for promoting your business? 

10. What one sentence would you like people to use in describing the way you do business?

How the process works in practice

Now that you've got the whole list, let's look at just two of the questions. If you ask only these, you'll find a remarkable difference in the response you get, as opposed to in other conversations where you spoke mostly about yourself and your business. 

The first question is, "How did you get started in the 'widget' business?" I call this the "Movie-of-the-Week" question, because most people love the opportunity to tell their story to someone. Be sure to listen actively, and be genuinely interested in what the other person is saying. 

A good second question is, "What do you enjoy most about what you do?" 

Again, you are giving the other person something very positive to associate with you and your conversation.

The One Key Question 

At this point, you've begun to establish a nice rapport with your new prospect and/or referral source. You are focusing on him or her, as opposed to on yourself and your awesome financial abilities. The person is starting to feel good about you and has enjoyed answering your first two "feel-good" questions. Now it's time for the one key question: 

"Gary, how can I know if someone I speaking with would be a good prospect for you?" 

What have you accomplished by asking that question? Two things. First, you've continued to establish yourself as being different from any other financial advisor they've ever met, because all the others only seem to want to know, "Would you like to invest with me?" Instead, you are letting the other party know that your interest is in helping them. And that is always acceptable to people (as long as you are, and are perceived as, sincere). 

Second, since you are asking for help in identifying the other person's ideal prospects, he or she will gladly supply you with an answer. And the fact is, nothing builds trust and credibility with a prospect or potential referral source than actually referring business to them whenever possible. 

By the way, if you are speaking with someone who is not in manufacturing or sales (as in the above example), simply gear your questions to that individual's unique situation. You can always ask about hobbies, families, or organizations and causes in which the prospect is involved. And you can tweak the key question into something like, "How can I know if someone I'm speaking to is someone you'd like to meet?"  

Thinking ahead

So, your conversation has ended and you never even brought up your practice. Good! Your relationship with this new prospect may not be far enough along for him or her to be receptive to that discussion (although there are times when it's very advisable to bring it up — we'll cover that in a future article). 

Hopefully, you've obtained the person's business card. Notice that I did not say, "Hopefully, you've given them your business card." Why not give her yours? Because she doesn't need it or want it right now (unless she directly asks for it) — and since you have hers, you are in a position to follow up correctly and systematically. 

Good job. You've accomplished the first step in cultivating a referral relationship. Whether meeting new people in a one-on-one situation or at formal gatherings, following the process outlined above means you'll never again have to feel that nervous discomfort in the pit of your stomach, knowing that you have to approach someone you don't want to approach and whom you can sense does not want to be approached. Instead, this process will help you build a high-quality prospect and referral base quickly and in a manner that's fun for you and your prospects. 

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Bob Burg speaks to Financial Advisors on how to cultivate ongoing referral business. He is author of Endless Referrals and co-author (with John David Mann) of the National Bestseller, The Go-Giver and the soon-to-be-released, Go-Givers Sell More . To download Chapter one of either/both of The Go-Giver books, visit www.Burg.com and click the book graphic.